Miss Imperfect

This one is long.

So many people have asked me how I feel about my current experience in grad school. They always find it fascinating or they simply want my advice. As a melodramatic person who tries to intellectualize every thought, the emotions and experiences that I had during this journey can not be summed up in one text message or even Instagram DM.

I had the goal of mine for years to go to graduate school. My 10 year plan was always “Go to college, get a Master’s Degree, and then get a Doctoral degree.” Each milestone has been met with anxiety and self-sabotaging thoughts. For many other things in my life as well, this is normal. I’m always thinking about if I really have the ability to do the things that I want to do and to achieve the things that I want to achieve. My first year in grad school taught me how resilient I actually am.

My junior year of undergrad, I take the GRE out of anxiety and desperation, hoping that it would get me into graduate school. I was not confident in other areas of my applications. I had these thoughts all while having a 3,8 GPA and a well-written resume. I moved in fear and self-doubt because I wanted to be able to have full control of the process of getting into graduate school. I wanted it be a guarantee that I get into any program that I choose.

I had finished applications and had an interview for the program that I’m currently in. This interview experience was like no other. I never had an interview that lasted this long and was this intense. I found comfort that I was not alone. Other people who I interviewed with shared the same thoughts and emotions as I. I was well received by my interviewers but like always, I had self-doubt! The week after my interview proved to be one filled with tears and rumination. Yall, it was ridiculous how desperate I was to be accepted into this Master’s program. It wasn’t helpful that they told us that the cohort for our program was only large enough for 22 people. When I got accepted, I had realized how irrational I became the week beforehand. Although happy, I realized that my thought process had to change before my semester began.

My irrational thoughts and the negative perception that I had about myself was simply just imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome always was one step ahead of me in my various journeys and experiences and it became a part of who I was. It even followed me into my first year of grad school.

Before I could even start my first semester, I had to compete in my first national beauty pageant! I always seem to get into situations in which I do a million things at once and manage to juggle it all. Being joyful when it’s all over, I volunteer to do it all again. I had so much on my mind at this time. I was in an unfulfilling relationship with someone who I didn’t see a long term future with all while preparing to be on live television and spending thousands on my wardrobe and an evening gown. This proved to be the first incident in which I had to showcase true resilience.

My experience at the pageant was as expected; a lot of anxious thoughts all while having to perform even off the stage. Once again my imposter syndrome followed me into this experience. I did not have hope in myself making finals or receiving any sort of reward. I critiqued every part of my preliminary performance and felt as if I did not measure up to anyone else. But, yet again I proved myself wrong, like I usually do.

My preliminary performance earned me a spot for the final 12 and being the dramatic person that I am, I could not hold back the expressions on my face when they called my state title. For those who know me, you already know the reaction I’m referring to!

While I did not win or place Top 5, I was happy with my performance at Miss Black USA. The outpouring love and support from random people right after the pageant truly inspired me. I had different people pull me aside and tell me how I impacted them that night. I was so used to feeling small and insignificant to others that I found those moments to be surreal and almost confusing.

I also won an award! To my last point, I never felt as if I were noticed and I felt comfort in “not being perceived” by others. I don’t expect much out of life at times, because I find myself in disappointing situations. This was a learned and reckless thought process I adopted. It turned me in a perfectionistic, highly critical person who did not show gratitude for her hard work. She was a person who overworked herself relentlessly to “prove” something to others. While reflecting after the pageant was over, I realized that overworking myself gave no benefit. I was in an exhausted, overworked, anxious state. Something had to give!

With only two weeks before orientation and classes began, I developed so many thoughts on how graduate school would be like. I was worried about how I would present myself. Embarrassingly enough, I had no idea how to even “dress” for class? Instead of worrying about physical presentations, I should have had someone place themselves into the mentor role for me at that time. I was so eager yet so lost.

Although boring and sometimes unnecessarily long, grad school orientation was a chance for me to see the environment I was placing myself into. I had driven 45 minutes to campus and walked into the building conference room. As I looked around I became flustered and wanted to disappear. I saw a sea of people who did not look like me. I hadn’t felt this way since high school. As a Black woman with large, natural hair I always feel as though I stick out in a crowd. I had to learn and rewire my brain to be unapologetic in what I look like and how I present when it comes to my natural hair. I had gotten used to going out while wearing my hair natural. The comments and stares became a part of life. The idea of me standing out in this particular setting was panic inducing. I was not expecting to make friends or to be comfortable. A wave of disappointment and sadness overcame me.

But for one, I am in a program for counseling..

I began to speak to others around me and we all felt anxious and not knowing what to expect. Most orientations throw a plethora of information at you, so nerves and anxious thoughts are to be expected anyway. They also shared the same thoughts about the rigorous interview process and how they too felt anxious the days afterwards. We all began to share where we came from, our goals for this program, and so much more. My eerie feelings and disappointments started to creep to the back of my mind. I made new associated in a place where I didn’t feel I belonged. Life had thrown so much at me at this point I began to let go of controlling everything around me for the first time.

Of course I worried about how I was going to do academically as well. I surprised myself on how well I did in undergrad. I was a B-C average student in high school turned into a college student that got straight A’s every semester? Graduate school is more challenging when it comes to work ethic and being able to actually comprehend the information given to you. I had no expectations on how I was going to do my first year. I had also gotten a grad assistantship as well. It gave me a stipend and 2 out of 3 of my classes covered so I took 10 hours out of my week to work for one of my professors on a developing research article (which is still in development).

I did not expect much out of my classes except for readings, lectures, and exams which are expected. The connections I made through each of my classes and the discussions that were had turned me into a student that was always excited to go to class each week. What I had not realized is that I went into a program and into a career that I’ve always been interested in, so it would make sense that learning about this specific subject brought me joy. No one ever told me how quick the semester goes as well. I became so focused that it’d already been November and I had to start thinking about my first set of final exams while in grad school. I was confident in the information that I had gathered but I was at a new institution, in a new program and an advanced program at that. While difficult, I passed all of my finals and had all A’s for my first semester of grad school. I gave myself a pat on the back for once for doing something that brought me fear and anxiousness. I was content with the friends I made and the connections I made with my professors. For the first time in my academic journey I felt a sense of relief.

Second semester proved to be the same without the onset anxiousness and self-doubt. I developed a routine and had organized my space completely in order to accommodate academics. I had broken up with someone who made me unhappy and always in a heightened state of anxiety. I felt emancipated and optimistic for the future.

This semester felt as though it went faster than the last! I had so many things, both positive and negative, thrown at me unexpectedly during this time. Academics are my number 1 priority so I never lost focus. I had gotten used to the graduate building and although still shy and reserved, I made myself present within that space. Although upset that I didn’t see many people that looked like me, I had developed a solid group of friends who made me feel as if my presence wasn’t a burden or an insult. I still enjoyed the content of my courses and reading long chapters and articles became second nature.

I began to think about my future in a more literal and realistic sense. A reality check had to be ensured and I found myself taking my degree more seriously than before. I had come to the conclusion that moving in constant fear was not going to get me the future that I wanted. I surprised myself once again once the semester was over. I had gotten all A’s and this wasn’t an expectation of mine, especially in a graduate program.

Over the past two years, I’ve thought about how my defeating mindset creates situations in which I think about how irrational or silly I am for having these limiting beliefs. I had to begin asking myself questions such as “Why do you think they can do it but you can’t?” and “Why do you believe you’ll fail anything that you try?” I found myself embarrassed to say the least when I thought about this. I was so used to self deprecating and expecting less of myself and wanting more because of what others have said to me and how I internalized those comments. I didn’t get a chance to get to know myself. I had based all of my validation and self-esteem at the hands of others who didn’t know themselves either. Self deprecation is not quirky and putting yourself down in front of others isn’t beneficial either. I had completed all of my goals so far in my academic and professional career, there was no point of me tearing myself down while doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do and achieving things that I’ve always wanted to achieve. I can say that I am proud of myself for being resilient no matter what negative thoughts came to mind. Even while writing this post, negative feelings began to overwhelm me but I persisted. Experiences such as these give me hope and optimism for the future. It is one step in the direction of self-love and self-acceptance.

See yall next time!

–Molaéa-René