Miss Imperfect

As an undergraduate student who holds many responsibilities, I often lose myself in achieving goals and being hardworking, constantly. I have found that this has negatively impacted my well-being and overall health. Being compassionate about what you want to achieve is encouraged, but when is it ever encouraged to take care of yourself throughout the process?

This has been the question that I have been asking myself for over a year now. During my third year of undergrad, I was the president of a campus organization. I had the status of being a leader on my campus and for my peers, but I was often anxious, stressed, and bitter. To be straight forward, I did not enjoy life at that time. I constantly felt unintelligent and confused. I was never held responsible for something such as this before, I was not use to it. Therefore, I believed that I was unable and hopeless. I often asked myself was this position worth it, despite it looking good on my resume or attempting to make a change in my community.

To conclude, it was not. The position was clearly not for me and I accepted that. The truth of the matter is, I did not want it to be for me. I knew what I truly wanted to do and that wasn’t it. Despite others constantly encouraging me to do it and to stay within that position, I decided to choose me and to let go. After letting go, I felt extremely liberated and content. I was able to wake up again without the sense of extreme anxiety and irritability. I found other ways in which I could make a difference within my community and I felt way more aligned and happy within those positions.

What I chose to do was an act of self-care in my eyes. I chose myself over what others wanted and did not care how others were to perceive me. When I constantly thought about how I was perceived, I was met with unhappiness and again, anxiety. It is well known, especially in 2022, that anxiety and constant stress has harmful effects for mental and physical health. So, is there an issue with me choosing to eliminate the very things that cause me stress and anxiety? No!

In my short 22 years living as a black woman, all I have seen is others telling us to work constantly, and put others before ourselves, to “be strong” and be the front runner for every movement and cause. That wear and tear on the body and mental is only killing us. On top of the high expectations for us, we are met with discrimination and disrespect. We are told be remain resilient by a world who doesn’t offer us any care. How does that make any sense?

What self- care means to me is putting myself first despite the world telling me the opposite. It means taking well needed breaks and not working constantly all the time. I have been in the process of teaching myself to slow down. I do fulfill my responsibilities, but being organized allows me to take on different tasks without having an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Clearing my head in different ways such as having alone time, being near nature or other methods such as meditation help me complete the tasks that need to be done. I still am as compassionate as I was a year ago, but I know when to stop and check in with myself and to look after myself.

Audre Lorde and other Black feminist have inspired me to look after myself despite wanting to create change in my community. Audre Lorde spoke of self preservation, and women such as herself remind me to put myself first despite what “work” needs to be done. Work always has to be done but to get that work done we must be well ourselves. I am finally choosing me.